Constantine: Episode 13 Recap

The End!

 

Oh, wait, I guess I should recap it…

Open on basement stairs? General stairs? Open on a really poorly lit shot, how ’bout that?

Creeptastic Hillbilly.

Amusement park in Hell?

Saved? By creepy girls? Who are WAY too handsy.

Polygamy sounds AWESOME.

Wedding ring of bruises? Could be worse…

Hard sell on this “Marry the Man” BS.

WHY does this have to take place in the South? Why?

This will end in murder.

Yup.

Super Beard returns!

Umm astronomy?

Vaguely serial killer-ish scene of time wasting. You know what that scene killed? A minute and a half.

Super Beard is flirting?

Not looking dead he’s not.

Graveyard funtimes.

The Devil has branding irons?!?! Why is everything in this show named!? It’s like watching a D&D campaign? (Although for my money the Black Diamond of Radiant Evil still wins).

Why would you brand witches with demonic seals? The torture I get- it’s just WHY DO THEY LOOK LIKE THAT? And if it was used to torture witches during the Inquisition shouldn’t they be called God’s Righteous Brands of Branding?

Astronomy.

WTF Gary?

How much of a  bounty?

Poppa Midnight!

Stabby stuff? What it happening?? I’m confused- so I must be paying attention…

Underage bride the fourth.

Meanwhile on the set of Grimm…

Pffft Vesta.

Marriage look fun NOW Vesta?

Super Beard is DOOMED!

Not-Castiel!

Pep talk from Not-Castiel is fair to mediocre.

Why does Constantine have to SO enthusiastically lick things?

Flaming lamp?

Please die,Please die,Please die,Please die,Please die,Please die,Please die,Please die,Please die,Please die.

Damn.

Expository dump. Just DO things, the explanation doesn’t matter! Just get on with the plot! (Such as it is- this episode is worse than usual. Too much going on and too many extra characters.)

One of us! One of us! One of us!

Dang! Who farted?

Poppa Midnite has a zombie.

Constantine dust? I bet it smells like booze and hookers.

I’m just a worse actress than usual.

Super Beard is also too handsy.

Pfft! Zombie

Oh come on!! They used movie rules on a Voodoo zombie!!?!? I call bullshit!

OMG! They actually called it a Voodoo zombie!

Vision’o’vision.

Poppa Midnite needs to build better zombies.

Vision accuracy=100%

OMG! Actual cigarette smoke!!!

And finally! More Spanish from Zed!

And officer crucifix! LOL! That’s mean! He’s not an offender- he’s a security guard.

The crow found me! Run for it!

Or walk away really slowly.

Bridezillahs.

Hello statutory rape charges.

Poppa Midnite!

That wasn’t the real Constantine. It can’t be that easy to just shoot him- or someone would have done that already.

Haha!

And John doesn’t kill Midnite because….??? Why?

Yes, shut it. All of you shut it.

Voodoo priests get really good data plans.

Another cigarette!!!

Satanic ceremonies are lovely.

NOW she has cold feet? Not when she was being pawed by creepy dead girls?

Seriously Hillbilly Satan?

And another cigarette! Or the same one being smoked very slowly.

Told you- creepy dead girls.

This episode is honestly just painful to watch. Hillbilly Satan is just… there aren’t words… like nails on a chalkboard…

WTF is Vesta hiding in? A boat? A rollercoaster car? A rusted out pick-up would be more accurate.

More stairs. OK, I’m not an expert in police matters or military maneuvers or ANYTHING, but don’t you usually make sure there’s no one on the ground floor BEFORE going upstairs?

Gun safety.

Let’s search the grounds? The grounds of WHAT?? Where the fuck ARE they? GOD! This show has the worst fucking lighting! And since it’s the last time I have to watch this gawdawful piece of crap I’m going to take time to complain about it. It’s so hard to establish where anything is, or what anything is, because everything is just murky reddish or greenish darkness.

Hillbilly Satan found his runaway bride.

WTF is in the back ground of all these shots? A lemonade stand? A covered wagon?

Just led Zed beat him to death. No one cares.

Super beard gets all moral.

Nope.

Hillbilly Satan is dead.

Another spell.

Oh shit! Midnite got framed! as if the NoLa police are NOT going to convict a black man for killing a white security guard…

Just tell Super Beard he’s going to- oh. Ok. yeah. You gonna die.

If I’m gonna die I’m gonna hit on you first.

Awkward? But for who?

OMG! The bar HAD a bathroom!

Not-Castiel.

Zed and Jimmie sitting in a tree-

“I stare into the face of evil every bloody day,  much like this stupid speech I keep giving.”

OK- back up- the ONLY people fighting the rising darkness are Not-Castiel and John> That’s the front line? That’s it?

Midnite get’s a visit from Not-Castiel!

Umm, just taking the cuffs off Midnite doesn’t really clear his legal problems…

And twist!

Honestly, it was either Zed or Not-Castiel who was going to betray John so color me not surprised. I’m so glad it’s over! Though I need another show that doesn’t suck to recap (SOB! I miss The Strain so much!!).

Sooooo I guess it’s back to 12 Monkeys…

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2 comments on “Constantine: Episode 13 Recap
  1. Hatori Sohma says:

    Thank you. Your sacrifice of having to watch that show has not gone unappreciated.

  2. chexgilson says:

    😀 I’m so glad my efforts are appreciated!

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