Constantine: Episode 12 Recap

Open on a faux leather pencil skirt.

The funeral is BYOD- “Bring Your Own Drugs”.

Whoa! Demon Body slammed!

Rumors of Pencil Skirt’s demise are premature.

FYI: Tannis root is FAKE. It does not exist!

The five minute hallway!

Has a sweet meditation pavilion!

Ugh Zed.

Polish off your Greek myths.

I need you to do stuff, ready or not, cuz I need a plot to happen.

Not-Shia, unlikely voice of reason.

Not-Castiel! Right on cue to be a judgmental bitch.

Judgmental FIREBUG bitch. OR Fuck your scry map!

Not-Shia get’s screwed! Sorry! Low hanging fruit of the pun tree.

Angel of death?

What sometimes what? OH! Stand back!? ENUNCIATE?

Zed’s best acting yet! Seizure mode! She’s at her best when she’s non-verbal and unconscious.

Darn, she’s awake.

Black veins in that little boy’s smile, black veins with that slow southern style…

Discussion, blah, blah…’

Noxious patient with skin graft issues. Who is almost certainly the WWE random attacker who body slammed Pencil Skirt.

Deploy magic playing card. Oh- no one cares.

Drunk ass–who? Janitor? Doctor? Doctor Janitor?

Close you eyes for the flashbulb spell! And the really expensive negative special effect.

Okay- even with the captions on- what the hell is he saying? It’s not an entity, it is an entity? It’s a garden variety demon? It’s not? How much research do they need for a garden variety demon? It’s Dark Matter? Like physics? Is this another singularity?

Hi, I’m Dr. Baby face, I’ll be reading your brain scan today.

Your psychic abilities are a tumor.

Ugh! STOP TRYING TO ACT ZED. Cue constipated pout face in extreme close-up!

Doctor Janitor!

At least he died as he lived- drunk.

Uh-oh, never follow Constantine to a roof-top.


Overreaction in 3, 2, 1-


He carved the Enterprise on Not-Castiel’s chest!

Not-Castiel’s meaningless protests for being stuck in his meat suit are lame! (seriously- I thought he was going to say he can’t stay in a person for very long because containing his power will rot them from the inside. Nope. He just loses his internet connection.)

Stop touching yourself!

I’ve SEEN death before, just never SMELLED it.

Ewww- people are made of squishy bits!

The Black Diamond? Heart of Darkness? The Black Diamond of Radiant Evil? Is this a D&D campaign?? WTF?

I want news of Zed! She’s the only worse actor than me!

That was humbling… your boob pressed against my ear…

You touched my hand! I’m going to bang you so hard!

No way! I really am?!?!

I feel all funny inside!

The Black Diamond of Radiant Evil is purple LED.


Why point out the gun if you aren’t going to use it?

Not-Castiel smells like sex.

Dr. Babyface has back story- and we get all of it because HE is the killer!

I’m sensitive you’re not a doctor. (Would you like a comma with that sentence? Maybe a period? Some form of punctuation? No?)

A singleĀ tear slides down Zed’s bland face…

Ha! Second guess was the right one! Dr. Babyface’s un-removable shrapnel is a shard of the Black Diamond of Radiant Evil.

Both of you shut up. SHUT UP. SHUT UP!

They arrive at the same conclusion.

Well that went well…

Zed to the- not rescue.

“What are you doing John? Is it another blow job?”

Sooooo… Dr. Babyface get’s to go to heaven? Meh, why not?

And now our Black Diamond of Radiant Evil is complete!

Ugh. Zed.

Ugh. Constantine.

“I wanna tell you something about me nobody knows.” Please don’t.

John taught me that magic has a cost and the cost is pain. And I’m going to take his word for it without ever talking to anyone else.



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Posted in TV, Writing

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