Constantine: Episode 11 Recap

Once more unto the breach…

Open on a cemetery at midnight.

Open on stoned teenagers who have never seen a horror movie dicking around in said cemetery at midnight.

“Other Worlds” that has to be a record for working in the title of the show into dialogue.

“Hand over the candle” turned out differently than I thought.

Doo-wat doo-wat doo-wat

Soooo, the other world is a house?

How do you list “torture-chamber” on Bonus room?

Oh noes- It’s THAT guy.

He is wearing WAY too much sweater.

And back to the cemetery.

Ugh! Put some pants on Constantine!


Self-pity parade describes the entire show.

Just shut-up. We all know it’s Professor Hillbilly.

Haven’t seen the tape recorder gag since Real Genius. (NOTHING IN THIS SHOW IS IN THE LEAST ORIGINAL)

Oops- Massive Sweater Guy followed you home.

If you die in an alternate reality do you die in real life? Apparently yes.

Professor Hillbilly wants no truck with Constantine.

Gary’s dead? Who was Gary? What is happening??

Professor Hillbilly’s solutions are pills.

Sweater Guy, Texas Ranger!

Why do people always say “It’s okay” at the EXACT moment that it’s not.

No magic playing card this time Constantine?

Foiled by cops!

Are all really sure nameless hoodie kid warranted a candle light vigil?

He looked like the man you described in that house last night, right down to his way too bulky sweater!

“Don’t cognitive psych professor me you condescending bitch.”

Not-Castiel isn’t much of a night flyer is he?

Ritchie used to be my ace? Who is Ritchie?? What is happening?

Also notice John unfailingly finds the exact right tomb with NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE.

Worship ME, I am the Constantine!

Spell that does what a black light could have…

Oh come on! Midnight ballet in the dark? Really? I’m actually surprised it wasn’t a pool

Sweater Guy, Texas Ranger.

OKAY- let’s push pause here. “Unknown Guy” in the alternate dimension says “You have to open the door before he comes back”. Reply “Why don’t you do it?” Unknown Guy holds up his hands- the lighting is SO bad that the big reveal that he has no hands is almost entirely lost. Secondly- If I HAD to open a door to get out of a hell dimension and I had no hands I would use my stumps or my feet or my damn face! If a CAT can open a doorknob then so can you you handless fucking dweeb.

Bleebalhblewshblablablew- Put those three together and what do you get? I don’t know! Learn to fucking enunciate Constantine!

Having a skinful?


I have a bad feeling- let’s do something stupid!

Oh. So the movie Transcendence was you endgame…

(There is too much wrong with this episode- singularity- one word. That’s it. And Professor Hillbilly describes it as people being able to upload their consciousness into computers. Yes. That is the ENTIRE definition of the word singularity. Make a note of it.)

Are we having a moment?

Doo-wat doo-wat doo-wat

At least SOMEONE turned the lights on in the ballet studio.

Sweater Guy, Texas Ranger! And serial killer.

Does anyone actually smoke like that? With the cigarette just hanging off their lip about to slip off at any moment, held in place only by spittle and a prayer without inhaling at all? No really. I’m asking.

Oooooh! GARY!

Hello pity pot- it’s pity kettle calling!

Stop crying Professor Hillbilly.

And p.s. show- WE GET IT. We get what you’ve been telling us for 11 episodes what Constantine is. You can lay off already!

Awwww, he took his sweater off…

Welcome to my torture chamber/bonus room. We’re going to have lots of fun.

The sporting life.

Let’s test the hypothesis with a sledge hammer!

Stop touching things Professor Hillbilly!

And what part of reflective surfaces didn’t you understand?

Well she got the door open!!

“I can’t do it without you”??

Shut up Professor Hillbilly.

Doo-wat doo-wat doo-wat

At least the tea is ready.

I can haz door now?

LOL! They invaded my space!

Nut up Professor Hillbilly!

Did they ever find what’s-her-face? The girl they came to rescue?


Professor Hillbilly goes Matrix.

Shut up Constantine.

The Matrix rejected him.

How is the magic mirror funner to watch than cable?

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Posted in Blogging, TV, Writing
4 comments on “Constantine: Episode 11 Recap
  1. Hatori Sohma says:

    You’re not going to do the last two episodes of Constantine? I don’t blame you for getting bored with it, but the world needs your scorn to help make the show magically get cancelled forever!

    Don’t let the world down– help end this show forEVAR!

  2. chexgilson says:

    I’m really relieved it DIDN’T get to 22 episodes! Though it might have been funny to see what more stupidity they could get on screen

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