Constantine: Episode 9 Recap

[Guess what’s back! One of the worst genre shows on TV! And guess who is watching it? Me! Let the madness begin!]

Last year on Constantine- we explained a whole bunch of stuff, and we are going to explain it to you again!

Constantine wounded and facing down a CG monster.

Only Not-Shia gives a rats ass.

Monster starts gnawing Constantine’s leg. Seems like the face would have been more efficient…

Not-Castiel shows up to lecture Constantine on demon dating and lifestyle choices.

“To save yourself from Hell you acted without considering the consequences.” Uhhhh, yeah.

Not-Castiel is totes jealous.

Darn! Forgot about Zed…

Incompetent minions of Zed’s Dad are incompetent. The least they could do is shut her up.

Not-Shia to the rescue!

Demon possession is like the flu?!?!?!

Self exorcism… (there is a masturbation joke in there somewhere.)

Aaaaand incubation period over.

Ugh. Put your shirt back on John. No one wants to see your goodies (such as they are).

How is the least plausible thing in this whole episode the fact that John gets hauled into Mexican prison and instantly escorted to see a dude from the British Consulate.

The investigation could take weeks?! As opposed to what? Hours?

Not-Castiel again! Stop lecturing and DO something.

Nope. He’s just there to be cryptic and leave. But is no one else worried that apparently the ENTIRE MORTAL REALM rests on Constantine? Seriously? What is he? A fucking unicorn? There’s no one else on earth who can do anything?

“John has heaven on speed dial.”  Too bad you don’t have an acting coach on speed dial…

Meanwhile, in Emperor Palpatine’s office… I mean the British Consulate…

DUDE what part of JAILED IN MEXICO don’t you understand?!?! OF COURSE HE’S NOT LEAVING ANYTIME SOON! WTF?!??!

British Consul is eaten by a man-snake? Can I ask why? No? Okay.


Hmmm… Mexican jail chapel is woefully under-stocked.

I have to perform a self….exorcism…. No seriously, it’s a thing.

The Santa Muerte gang members fold like little girls in the face of literally, a stiff wind.

I run this place!

“Did you really take the Pazuzu inside?” Not without dinner first.

“You’re going to have to sneak some things into Mexican Jail. In your vag…Or just bribe the guards. Either or.”

Not-Shia’s plan- Do not get $200 and go directly to jail.

Your conjugal is here.

Ugh. Zed…

Whoa! Three way conjugal!

His magic is overconfidence?

British Consulate/snake dude arrives.

I think Constantine just LIKES getting tied up.

OK, if the snake guy can just turn into a bunch of snakes why did he bother going into jail wearing the Consul dude? He could just sneak in AS SNAKES.

OK fine- he just turns into a man shaped cluster of snakes wearing a rather nice suit. You get a pass on this one show…

One time use only knife.

I need to you track down a guy named Julio. In Mexican jail…

We brought you all the drugs! But we can’t show you us cooking it or injecting it…

Bi-location saves the day! With boobs!

24 hour ride later- back at the Mill.

Zed has a poorly acted heart-to-heart with Annie.

Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?

Can we please just put another one-time-use dagger in his heart?

Why do demons have to spit and drool?

I can’t save him! And I’m not sure I want to.

Zed, unlikely voice of reason. But only because of the script.

You totes suck at exorcisms Ann Marie.

Almost black smoke just like Supernatural.

Aaaaand I’m back! Prepare whining in 3, 2. 1…

We’re poking a stick at evil?

Aaaand it’s over! Finally!

WAIT! What happened to the Ivunche (cg monster) they just left it in the sewers in Mexico to rampage through the city!?!?! WTF?

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