Constantine: Episode 8 Recap

Open on a Gothic moor.

I mean Mexico.

Cathedral/maternity hospital/convent/cafegymatorium.

Dementors ate my baby!

Ugh… Zed…

Ugh… Constantine…

Aaaand scene. No? Too much to hope for?

Ivanche? Ivaunche? Ceviche?

They all went out in the last flood? How many have their been? And how can you be so sure?

OMG Zed, Constantine told you the lady in the nightie isn’t there, and the lady in the nightie told you she wasn’t there! Why are we spending special effects money on Zed’s stupidity?

It’s the Ivaunche, Ivuchue, whatever, otherwise you wouldn’t have spent five minutes telling us about them.

Convent is too cheap to fork over for an occult expert.

The convent’s address is ALMOST but not quite Satanic.

Dementor has a baby larder.

I have a question- How is Zed supposed to leave the house for food? What if Constantine never comes back? Will the traps in the house eat her? Can we watch that happen? Could that be the next episode?

Meanwhile, down Mexico way…

Pretty sure that translates to “It’s illegal to park here.”

Why does he care if Anne Marie is a nun?

She already told you it wasn’t a human or you wouldn’t be there!

The police questioned everyone who was here last night. All three of them…

Ugh… Constantine back story- AKA more fucking Astra.

Why didn’t the elevator drop on Zed’s face? Stupid show is a total tease.

It’s not mice- it’s an evil nun who is actually a Ivanche, Ivunche, whatever!

Meanwhile, back at House of Leaves. Zed almost falls into the five minute hallway.

Sister Flirtatious.

Oh right- we’re doing stuff with runes. Totally forgot about that.

The evil is inflammable. (And yes- that IS the right word! Look it up)

Conveniently buried placenta. You are lucky they didn’t eat it like Hemlock Grove (which is a way better show FYI).

IF the placenta is buried in the backyard? SHE JUST TOLD YOU  IT WAS. You know what would have been way easier than all these shenanigans? Just getting the placenta from the medical waste barrel in the convent’s basement. That’s what.

And a pear in a human fruit tree (la la la).

Can- can we plant cow trees next? I want a burger!

Dark magic makes human fruit trees?

How many sister’s did Eve have? Not a trick question- I thought the answer was none, and or only Lilith. If it’s Mazekeen from Sandman I’m going to laugh or have a fit- not sure which. I’ll let you know.

“Your arrogance is out if control.” As opposed to his previously super in-control arrogance?

That is weird lighting for an art supply store.

Also- how did Zed get out of the house??????

Want to see my etchings?

OMG, can we pause to get a map of the family tree- also dead wife is WAY to young to be mother of teen boy who is now ALSO a father, making Hugo a grandfather?! Accept we only JUST met these characters? Where was the son when his brother was being born? WHAT IS HAPPENING??

Secondly, can we pause for mildly racist Gypsy comment? Which is now the second reference to Gypsy’s having magical powers in the series.

Not-Shia is sweet on the nun.

WTF is in that bowl? Placenta? Intestines? Worms?

Sister Flirtatious is easily dispatched.

Ugh… Zed… AKA Mary…AKA still can’t act.

Yer babies are super speshul.

The Witches want their witchy spawn. And also they are the Rising Darkness. Sad now. Wanted it to be Cthulhu so very much.

Poultry baby! Or WTF? Or, waste of a good chicken.

LOL! Baby stash. Like the bulk orphans.

Ugh… Zed. Has back story. Locked room, blah, salvation, blah, blah.

No one cared about Eddie.

Constantine is everyone’s failure.

Are we married now?

Vows be damned.

Buck toothed witch fell for chicken baby trap.

Which Hugo ruins.

Ugh… Zed. Making use of everything seen earlier in the episode. So it totes paid off.

Found the baby stash.

Chicken baby did not go over well….

So the plan is the same plan as every other demonic plan ever. Merge hell and earth… Le sigh…

Ugh… Zed…

Ivunche! (thank you closed captions).

Ann Marie AKA Killer Nun.

Gahhh! Previews for the next episode?? I thought it was over!! It’ll never end! *sob*

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