Constantine : Episode 7 Recap

Open on a dirt road in Der South.

Church of stupidity with snakes!

Thank you for the infodump church lady.

Your choice of snake matters.

Not exactly a charismatic speaker is he?

Serpent might not be able to conquer you but it CAN bite you.

Wait, snake venom isn’t THAT fast acting is it?

He came back with a rock?

It will be a hell rock and it won’t actually be the preacher.

Couldn’t afford the special effects to SHOW random dude’s leg grow back. We’ll just have to take their word for it.

“Nice work” It ought to be, she’s a DC artist.

Ugh- nothing is worse than when the nude model tries to flirt! I know this, I went to art school.

Constantine and Zed talk-off! Winner; Snakes.

Grim reaper has a very petite scythe.

Not-Shia is on vacay for the episode… I’m…sorry he’s not in it? Maybe they realized that the bad acting of Zed and the bad acting of Not-Shia cancel each other out and only one can appear in an episode at the same time.

Biblical stuff.

Preacher cured shingles? (I can’t spell psorioses… psoriases…psoriasis)

Table the angel talk? Didn’t he just drop a bomb on Zed and she’s all “whatever”.

Apparently regrowing a leg is bad for your health.

Constantine’s shirt is still way to clean.

Zed gets a vision of an out of focus angel? Shouldn’t Not-Castiel be showing up about now?

Demon Army of One.

WTF is Zed wearing under her tank top? Fetish gear??

And Zed speaks Spanish too?!

Not-Castiel is a no-show.

It comes from the magic rock in his pocket!

Not-Castiel is helpful as usual.

That tune you heard today?? What the what? What tune? What is happening?

And suddenly Zed is Latina. (I don’t mind, but nothing, absolutely nothing up until this episode indicated she’s Latina. It’s the first time she’s used Spanish- shouldn’t they have lead with that??)

Found- dying angel in leaf pile call Constantine for more details.

Design flaw is right.

Angels are compartmentalized? What? (It makes no sense!)

Cropreal? Cpreal? Corporeal.

OMG! Longest setting up a hose scene ever!

Your head’s not quiet??? I’m guessing he went from stone silence to a light breeze…

OK- Are the Preacher and the Woman- Church lady- married? Brother and sister? Both?

Zed and Constantine go camping! What? No riveting checking into a hotel scene for five minutes?

I know about your magic rock.

Magic rock hates Constantine.

Petite scythe to the rescue? What happened?

Stop making out with the snakes. Please.

I know I don’t want to be Baptized in the river where all the fish died.

Magic rock turned back into a feather.

When ghouls attack.

Angels have sincere discussion. Not funny, but too long.

Whiny Preacher confesses his sins. And it’s a doozey.

Ah- there is a reason angels are compartmentalized- they instantly start plotting against humanity if there is more than one of them in a room at a time.

Slo-mo fisticuffs!

Imogene gets auto tuned when evil.

Whoopsy.

Kill Zed, kill Zed, kill Zed- awww too much to hope for.

Come on Not-Castiel, real Castiel would gut that bitch!

Wow, okay, Not-Castiel gutted that bitch.

Zed stood up the nude model who is apparently a pawn of looming fat-guy in the back seat.

 

*Thank goodness they abandoned the monologing! But there is STILL another episode! When will it end?? There is another episode tomorrow night! Sob!*

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