Constantine: Episode 6 Recap

*I forgot I deleted an episode and I thought this was ep. 5*

Open on The Haunted Mansion.

When fireplaces attack!

OK- seriously, are you sure I’m not watching Supernatural. Dude on the ceiling? (and my first “seriously” of the evening)

OMG! SERIOUSLY! Her eyes went black like a demon from Supernatural!

No, no, no, no, no, topless Constantine is NOT hot. More sort of queasy really.

Ugh- Not Shia is the last thing I need this early in an episode.

Found the wet spot.

HA!! Wall licking- call back to episode 3!! It IS a thing!

Not Castiel!

“Smells of burning.” No, that’s just you.

Darkness- ancient beyond measure. If it’s NOT Cthulhu I’m going to cut a bitch.

Fancy speak for “I can’t tell you or we wouldn’t have a plot.”

“Now that it’s loose” Nice time to try to make the audience extrapolate.

We can shame you into not believing in monsters you little chickenshit.

Got enough castles?

Closets are pure evil, second only to basements.

Someone has been watching Insidious. And taking notes.

“I feel much better now.” AKA I’m going to eat your face!

OMG. She’s a PARALEGAL. Did not see that coming. Should I feel bad I assumed hooker? Maybe? Yes?

Constantine takes a big ole infodump.

One of the early survivors lives conveniently nearby.

They think it was her head? What else could it be?

No spell to get the comatose guy to talk? Quelle surprise. Blew the effects budget early on.

Scared of monsters now Dad?.

The kid “Home Aloned” his Dad.

Marcelo is useless- much like me!

1.) He had to explain ley lines to us, the dummies watching.

2.)  You did NOT need a map of ley lines to show that the string of possessions are going in a straight line! A ruler could have done that for you!

Evil kid subdues Rottweiler who is about to eat his face? That seems more like self-defense…


What is it? A really shiny box!

Pumpkin seeds aren’t black. What did you to them woman!?

Evil kid murdered pumpkins? None of this is threatening. Also- you don’t get pumpkin seeds until AFTER you carve the pumpkins- so Mom was just roasting raw pumpkin seeds right before she could get fresh one out of the pumpkin? (And for the love of GAWD why are they black?!?!)

Frankincense? Magical incense burner is so much easier than a  Supernatural style EMF detector.

And how is immortal Not-Shia totally unfamiliar with all things mystical? Because if he knew something Constantine wouldn’t have a reason to explain it to us!

This series needs to be renamed “Constantine Explains it All”.

*OK- My guess as to the plot- it’s Macelo’s absent soul doing all the possessing, not a ghost as Constantine is telling us it is. He’ll have to put Marcelo’s wandering soul back in his stumpy fingered body and then something tragic will happen (or not). Now let’s see if I’m right.*

Constantine should know better than to hang out in a trench coat outside an elementary school.

Merry-Go-Round, meet face.

Evil kid moves a vase with his mind- and STILL nothing happens.

Note to self; Evil spirits are repelled by ginger.

Not- Castiel!

I can help you , but I can’t actually tell you anything.

Constantine’s shirt is way too clean.

Demon spawn blows a circuit.

He who smelt it dealt it.

Wash your hands! OMG!

What do mean my son is possessed? Let me explain for an entire scene.

The spirit is Marcelo! Can we just skip to the end?

B12 my ass bitch!

Loom much Not-Shia?

Oh I so want those to be scented candles.

It’s a ghost or a racoon. Oops! Three-legged deer. Is that an omen?

“What am I missing?” The clues the show has been hitting us over the head with.

Chair to the face!

Nice of Evil Kid to wait for Constantine to hex that mirror before attacking.

I’m so sad that kid didn’t slam into the hall table and break it.

Fight out at the Middle School Halloween party? Where ARE they?

Pardon me while I zoom in on this ax.

That is way too nice a haunted house for a Middle School production.

Bitch mummy broke my mirror.

FINALLY Constantine put 2 and 2 together.

Final fight! Is mostly Constantine whining unintelligibly.

And we end in monologuing! Wherein Constantine explains the already obvious plot we have JUST spent an hour of our lives watching…

It’s also very obvious that this episode was aired out of order. It was supposed to be the Halloween episode and is happily (or not) pre-Zed. I almost miss her constipated pout as a relief for non-stop Contantining.

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Posted in TV, Writing

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