Constantine: Episode 5 Recap

NOLA. Or a set pretending to be New Orleans.

OMG! She has never seen Audition! (well, neither have I.) Or Carved- The Slit-Mouthed Woman! (which I have). Or a J-Horror movie at all!

Just find something that guts you and do it over and over??? WTF? Not good life advice.

Zed constipation face. AKA Her concern face. AKA her only face.

By Old Faithful he means you Zed.

Psychic Mood Ring?!

Call me Super Beard!

Sorry- nothing else funny happened in this scene.

Riveting “checking into a hotel” scene. They are on their way to an Emmy for sure.

How does anyone NOT know that hitchhiking always ends the same way?


“There was a big tree with scars”. And did I mention the car? NO!?! Well keep that line in about a woman behind the wheel anyway! Remember- it’s MAGIC. (OK- seriously! Does Constantine SEE Zed’s visions too? Because he’s acting like it! “I have an accident to report”?!?! How did you get all this from “a tree with scars?!?!)

I’ll take you to the city- Bang City…

Can we stop at the hospital first?

The accident- that Zed in no way shape or form mentioned is here.

As much acting as you’ll ever see from Zed. And it’s still bad.

Someone FINALLY arrests Constantine and it’s much less satisfying than I would have thought.

Ninja ghost.

Death for Chaz #2.

Interrogation turns boring.

Model-on-model crime. (Could you come up with a better back-story? No? OK, moving on.)


Arg!!! Oh- shortest monologue in the show!

“Hell bent on redemption” seriously? You start punning now?!

You don’t have to “talk” a junior college into accepting a student. You only have to pay them.

Scared straight- off weed…

Are you “haunted”- get it? Get it??

Papa Midnite! Quelle suprise. (OK the show acts like this is supposed to be a surprise but it was on the previews of ep. 4. So it’s not… It’s really not. It’s also halfway through the episode and it would have been way cooler if Midnite showed up earlier.)

Standard Hollywood Voodoo ceremony- accepting cash only.

Voodoo ceremony has really poor security.

Your’e raising the dead! Am not! Am so!

Sleep powder for the win.

Super Beard and Zed have a plan! A shitty plan, but a plan.

Well, that’s one way to keep your family close…

Midnite needs to wear that suit. Always.

Smug Constantine is smug.

Keep your paws off my sister’s….skull.

Back story tease! Too bad no one cares.

He’s dead! You can’t run over him again Super Beard.

Midnite- rockin’ that cravat.

Jackass of all trades. Best line in the entire series.

We’re going to salt and burn the bones- wait- it’s entirely NOT like Supernatural! Swearsies!

See- it’s way  more elaborate than Supernatural.

Phillip is never going to get to the city.

D-did we just put the fire out?

Constantine gets monologued at by a much better monologuer! Papa Midnite schools him in appropriation.

LOL! Chaz caught the alley ghost in an infinite loop!

Guilt will set them free! Or something.

You did NOTHING Zed. NOTHING. Midnite and Constantine did it all.

We wish we COULD forget a face like yours Zed.

All this over shoplifting?

Oh shit! Super Beard dies horribly (eventually- if the series goes on that long).

Midnite- First round and lecturing is on me.

I’ve got a hoootline to helll…Sing it!

Blah, blah betrayal, blah, by someone close to you (which is all of two people so far…) Quelle suprise again…

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