Constantine: Episode 3 Recap

“The Devil’s Vinyl” ? This is not a promising beginning and I haven’t even hit play on the DVR.

When bad installation artwork goes wrong.

Floating squirrels?!?!?

The dead animals get bigger the farther in you go.

Owing to the title I already know Cthulhu will not be summoned by the record and I’m sad.

Is it genuine? You found it in a room full of dead animals that was mysteriously freezing, what do you think it is? A made in China bootleg?

“Oh let me just listen to a li—– OMG!”

Not-Shia meets Zed. Bad acting-off ensues.

“Look! Me funny! I can haz cheeseburger?”

OMG! It’s the five-minute hallway! (read House of Leaves and get back to me.)

Deus ex Writer’s Room.

Zed looks constipated. All the time.

Of course she knows how to pick pocket. It’s totes a common skill.

I hope that Hand of Glory has a long wick.

Oops, got ALL the dead to rise. Guess it’s a party line (go watch an old movie and get back to me).

Bernie is very nonspecific when dead…

I seriously want that cursed record! It would save SO much on air conditioning bills!

So you can’t put the cursed record in a safe deposit box? Or a shed? Or a storage unit? You HAVE to take it home?

Trick card, which he has to explain. In fact he has to explain EVERYTHING in every single episode every five minutes.

Constantine knows everything about everything. Or the plot knows everything about everything.

Blues man gets popped like a zit.

Not-Castiel!

Would you like some exposition with your plot? Doesn’t matter, you’re getting it anyway.

Surprise! Little girl wants to play the record! But not really. The plot is pretty much drawn in neon.

Constantine goes Phil Spector on that dude’s ass.

And Twist!

Magically everyone just trusts Constantine and believes in him and does everything he tells them to! Why are other people even in this show? Aside from convenience.

Meanwhile, back at stately Fell Manor.

Wall-licker?

A character from the movie! Papa Midnight! Or Midnite?

Constantine’s love of monologueing finally get’s him in trouble.

“You’ll have 4 hours” Why? Oh fine, I guess it makes sense. You get a pass this time.

Midnite apparently likes low-rent thugs for hire.

The thugs mess up? Quelle suprise.

Not-Castiel to the rescue!

“It’s in my front pocket.” LOLZ.

Zed to the mediocre rescue!

The thugs lay waste to a night club. Probably not much of a loss.

The cab works again? Of course it does! Not-Shia shows up to bring OJ.

Zed knows sign language! Of course! Why not? Everyone knows everything the plot requires!

Highlight of the entire episode! Sex Pistols! Not used nearly enough on TV.

Oops. No headphone back-up plan.

Papa Midnite has no such problems.

Supernatural Colt- I mean mystical Winchester! I mean Supernatural Winchester!

So much for second rate thugs. Is it really that hard to find intelligent underlings? Doesn’t any villain ever think to recruit lazy college students?

I want my cancer back, cancer back, cancer back.

Eat the contract is a saying? Where?

Arg! Monologueing!

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