Constantine: Episode 1 Recap

Ok- Constantine finally aired. I would have been more excited if I’d known before-hand that David S. Goyer was helming it. I LOVE the first two Blade movies and the TV show and Threshold (which I’m STILL angry was cancelled). But I have to give the same disclaimer about Constantine as I gave with Gotham. I DO NOT know the comics. Constantine did show up a couple times in Books of Magic (which I read the entire run of and still wonder why I stuck with it) and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Keanu Reeves Constantine even though I doubt it has much to do with the comic. So that is all I know going into this.

The only thing right about the electric shock treatment is the mouth-guard.

Que whining.

Further whining with a therapist.

“You feel guilty. Which would explain the interminable whining.”

“Petty Dabbler in the Dark Arts is more accurate but less awesome sounding.”

Hint- no one’s name is Astra.

Soooo, you check yourself into a mental health facility and then argue pointlessly with the therapist.

Apparently no one cares if you leave group therapy.

Please tell me she’s not painting with feces.

Ugh. Don’t make me work…

“Hear my words: But look at his face” *sorry flashback to The Watch*

Took awhile for the Latin to kick in.

P.S. Put the art room destruction on my tab.

Spooky electrical problems when a demon is near. Congratulations, you’ve seen an episode of Supernatural.

The whole episode could have ended if the car had just run her over.

Atlanta is built on a Hellmouth.

Come with me if you want to live… I mean-

Hello Not-Castiel, I mean Michael- I mean Manny.

“What’s on the way?”  A commercial break.

Creepy guy in hallway turns out to just like whittling doors.

OMG- they bothered to name the blonde neighbor.

Dude! That corpse is going to eat your face!

Introducing the door whittler- Chaz- AKA Not Shia Lebeouf.

Here- it’s your father’s D&D dice.

Talia loses a few points off her licence for crashing the coroner’s van. And also being dead.

Oops, lost the girl. With no car. Who is magically at her mother’s house in the next scene…

Subtext: Your mom was a groupie and banged a roadie. You have the same origin story as Butt Head.

Hey, remember that car Liv has that doesn’t work and how she got a ride to work from cops, but now she has her car back? Yeah…

“I see dead people.”

I also see the albino from American Horror Story: Coven.

Ghost train chicken is hilarious.

Leave your now magically working car at your mum’s.

Best cover of “Ring of Fire” brought to you by Social Distortion.

Flash Back- Astra.

So basically you can just name religious symbols and exorcise anything…

Chaz takes a power line to the chest. +1 interesting death.

OMG! My dad was Dumbledore!

(Ok- the gold helmet Liv picks up has to be some kind of reference to a DC character, but I don’t know which one…)

This looks like Atlanta. Which is the nearest metropolitan city, which makes complete and total sense as to WHY the map is there.

The Demon Frucifer? Fucifer?

The amulet chain bites? Or something?

Ok- it’s been awhile since college, but what university has a guard at a gate? What Uni has a GATE?

Hello again Not-Castiel.

Allow me to blow our special effects budget on stopping time.

Ugh- cue more whining.

Not-Castiel throws whiny ass Constantine a lifeline.

I’m gonna stand in the rain and look pathetic.

Hello Professor Hillbilly.

And what kind of university would employ Professor Hillbilly? I’m guessing, not a good one…

Disjointed time mirror shows the present awfully well for being disjointed time mirror.

What the hell? Not Shia Lebouef in an Immortal.

If you’re not confused you’re not paying attention????

(OK when Constantine was bribing the guard to have sex on the roof- I thought he was bribing the guard to go have sex with Liv on the roof! I’m confused so I must be paying attention!)

My demon seal will hold the demon Frufroue, Furfrou, Fufifer- What ever.

Pfffffttt- Constantine has the ubertragic back story of an anime character. Que MORE whining.

Apparently Demons can’t look down?! To see the giant white demonic seal painted on the roof in bright white.

Nergal been smack talking you in Hell Constantine.

Demon version of Constantine is possibly better looking than normal Constantine. Or not. Hard to tell on this one…

Who needs a fancy Ocean’s Eleven EMP device when you have Professor Hillbilly on the case!

Kudos show for Constantine’s willingness to toss a white woman into hell in exchange for a little black girl.

Go! I have to wallow in self-pity!

Back story. Sooo, Astra, who has zero trace of a British accent is from Newcastle… England…

Remember what I said about wallowing in self-pity? Well I’m not done yet so there.

How useful is scrying on a map of the U.S. that looks like the back of a child’s placement in a cheap restaurant. Not exactly in scale… just saying…

Not Castiel shows up to complain.

End scene with over-the-top narration.

Aaand cue art by every DC artist to ever draw Constantine, except it’s supposed to be drawn by one person. Which it can’t be, and anyone who knows anything about art knows that.*

*Crap like that just annoys because I am an artist. And it’s also just shameless promotion to get people to buy the comic.

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