Dying old man who will NEVER freaking die… or “Vampire Muppet, why have you forsaken me? Still.”
Hot off the day’s vampire hunting fail our heroes return home as big fat losers.
Aging ninja needs his chill pills. And he needs to have a literal heart to heart.
Flashback 1967- enter some very poor old age make-up.
Abraham scored a wife half his age.
“I’ll be back before sundown.” Does anyone actually believe this anymore? Seriously? Like WHEN has anyone EVER been back before sundown.
He’s a little touchy about the heart in the jar.
OMG! Remember car theft subplot? No? Me neither, but it came back!
Shut up Eph, shut up, shut up.
No one ate the hacker yet? Color me disappointed.
Dear Sir Exterminator- please stop flirting. It’s just creepy.
I bring you 30 seconds on the emergency broadcast system- don’t fuck it up Eph.
“They call me Gus” Because my real name is Augustine!!!
Can we just drive? Seriously? Both of you- What part of vampire apocalypse don’t you understand?
Flashback 67- Yes, ride your horse to a deserted castle in the middle of fuck-off Eastern Europe. This is bound to end well.
Oh God- speaking of wells… Someone never saw The Ring…
Do the vampires actually dig out tiny tunnels into their nests? Or do they pick nests with tiny tunnels?
The well leads to a wine cellar? Thanks to tiny tunnel?
Whoops- the master threatens Satrakian long distance.
Oh, surprise- rope gone and your family is dead. Well played old man…
Ugh! STOP FLIRTING! And stop explaining stuff! And no one cares about your back story! Just behead something already!
Pointless domestic scene.
Gus gets caught in a money drop.
And get’s a wise idea.
Nothing good generally comes from shipping containers either, much like basements.
Old Man delivers half-hearted apology for nearly killing everyone. He was just cranky because he needed a nap.
Flashback 67- OK, the well led to a wine cellar. The wine cellar was most likely connected to the castle. Instead of trying to get out of the cellar and find your way out through the castle you climb up the inside of the well? Just asking.
You have 30 seconds Eph! And you write a 3 page speech? WTF? AND you have a stop watch! You could have timed the whole speech before going on the air and you STILL fuck it all up!
OMG! Death Metal vampire returns! Still rocking his wig too.
Oh and also- he ate your mom’s face!
When Nazis attack…
They, they aren’t actually that good at it.
Gus REALLY wants into that container-
oops… Let’s settle our score during a vampire attack because apparently no, it can’t wait.
YES!!! OMG THE COBRA COMMANDOS ARE BACK!!!
So you’re just gonna sit in the basement? No?
Wow, actual competence for a change!
Look, sad about your mom, but seriously? She served no function in the plot what-so-ever and she was just annoying,
AND there has been no beheading this episode! So get cracking and chop your mom’s head off.
Flashback 67- Miriam is home and she brought friends.
So you have an escape route out of the basement- stop dicking around and USE it.
You know who else takes souvenirs Satrakian? Serial killers. That’s who.
The Nazi is impressed with heart in the jar, I think he wants one.
Dying old man get’s to drink Vampire Muppet’s vein juice. He’s FINALLY not dying anymore.
Fitzwilliam is disturbed.
(Whoot! Season finale is this week! Can’t wait!! Though I don’t know what I’ll do until season 2?!?!)