Gotham: Episode 1 Recap

(OK- Keep in mind the only Batman comic I ever read was The Killing Joke and that one by Frank Miller where he’s old. I used to watch the cartoon back in the day  and I saw the first two Tim Burton movies. So I have only vague and second hand knowledge of Batman. I’ll be commenting entirely, and solely on what it presented on the screen. So let’s begin!)

Hardcore Parkour! And goggles for NO GOOD REASON.

Hey! That old lady’s cat has to eat too!

The milk bottle is magically empty! Either she drank half a gallon of milk while parkouring or the editing leaves something to be desired. You decide.

OK, Mr. and Mrs. Wayne, super rich, apparently intelligent (and note in the next scene the massive headline Crime Wave of the Century) but for no good reason they can’t: 1) Catch a cab in front of the movie theater. 2) Have a driver waiting for them. 3) Call Alfred. 4) Have used the theater’s valet parking. 5) Driven themselves to the movie theater. 6) Gone to a matinee.

Gimme your money and necklace, but not the gold rings you are wearing.

Child Bruce is a shit ton better actor than Shitty Child Actor in The Strain. Just wanted to point that out.

Police station circa a 1980’s action movie ala Robocop.

The guy SAW Gordon grab a random bottle of aspirin off of a desk IN FRONT of him, and still has to take an aspirin to determine that “These aren’t my pills.”

And now I will explain to you why I am the best person in the room.

And now I will explain why you are a douche bag.

Oooooooo, crime involving rich white people…don’t make me work…

Gordon has sad story for Bruce ending with “There will be light.” WTF?? How does that help me with my dead parents??

At least Child Bruce can emote! (Unlike some people I could name…)

Ah-ha-ha! Alfred is all low rent Guy Ritchie movie Alfred.

“Gigantic flaming ball of crap” kind of describes… *coughcough*

“Collegial” Fancy five dollar word!

Harvey very nicely asks Gordon to leave the room so he can talk about him behind his back.

Pause for additional back story on Gordon.

“Lackadaisical” See! I have fancy five dollar words too!

OMG! Nooooo! They are actually seriously giving us an interrogation montage complete with heavy metal sound track and swinging over head light! I’m not sure if I should feel offended or amused…

Sheldon Cooper in a pin stripe suite! Enter Nigma (hint- it’s not a real last name.)

Stuff about guns… and exposition disguised as police work designed to get to the next plot point/character introduction. Apparently Gotham is going to shoot it’s wad the first episode and introduce EVERYONE.

FINALLY the only character anyone really wanted to see! FISH MOONEY! WHY IS THE ENTIRE SHOW NOT ALL ABOUT HER??? The hair, the attitude! She is beating a man in the ally and totes has umbrella lackey! The amazing and nearly unrecognizable Jada Pinkett Smith disappearing into the role like the total pro she is!!!

Oswald has personality issues. But Oswald is polite about it and enjoys his work.

“Well aren’t you a cool glass of milk.”

OMG! Harvey and Fish OTP!!!

Best. Criminal. Gang. Ever.

I dub thee HarvIsh!

Gordon has champagne tastes on a beer budget.

Gordon is demure in his wifebeater.

Harvey- drunk before breakfast and still able to deliver exposition!

Mario Pepper- it sounds like a pizza.

Hardcore Parkour!

Knife fight, alley way, blah-blah-blah Harvey shoots a bitch- Best thing about this episode of Gotham (aside from HarvIsh) is the commercial for Kingsman The Secret Sevice. OMG How awesome does that movie look! Collin Firth action hero!! Yes, Mr. Darcy, I do want to watch you kick ass! And double amputee kills with ‘blade’ prosthetics! Although sadly she looks like a bad guy… Le sigh, I guess the world isn’t ready for double amputee heroes? Is it me or is something wrong about that? For one glorious second I thought  Kingsman was directed by Guy Ritchie. I was  hoping it was directed by Guy Ritchie. How sweet would a Collin Firth ACTION MOVIE directed by Guy Ritchie be??

OK, back to Gotham…

Gordon gets a band aide for his ouchies and Mario Pepper gets dead.

OK- pause for reality check- Mario DID NOT STOP TO PICK UP THE LOOSE PEARLS FROM MRS. WAYNE’S necklace. Yet there they are loose in the baggie.

Oswald has goals, and hopes and dreams, and ALSO is Sheldon Cooper super villain.

Cemetery Hardcore Parkour.

Renee vs. Barbara round 1. Are they a couple? Ex lovers? Seriously! Barbara and Renee have chemistry!

Renee, “I will totes steal your girlfriend!”

He’s a pepper, she’s a pepper, you’re a pepper too…

(GAWD Gotham just keeps going and going.)

Harvey vs. Gordon- this round goes to Exposition!

Mooney vs. Gordon. Mooney! wins with a KO!

(Why won’t this show end? It’s been on for HOURS)

Yay! A commercial break!!! The Annabelle movie is just trying to milk the Conjuring for money! No one would ever make a doll that looks like that! And even if someone did no one would sell it! Like seriously the toy company would have killed it in development. But I am super in need of a good horror movie… But it looks rentable. Maybe Netflix will have it on streaming. Though I keep thinking I should cancel the streaming because the video and the pictures hardly ever match up! Especially on live action shows! WTF Netflix?

Oh Gawd! You mean Gotham isn’t over yet???

Butch is awesome! I love him too. He is an amazing underling and worthy of Fish.

Awww there is a rift in the  HarvIsh power couple.

Butch will help you!

Oswald is gloriously obedient. Someone write some femdomme fanfic  NOW.

OMG! And IT’S STILL NOT OVER YET!

Enter bond villain and Hostel reject. You’re joking right?

Oh, you were. OK.

Old mob guys rattling on about respect. Is this The Godfather? Oh wait, that was a good movie…

“I’m a business man.” Please- cram in one more Mob cliche- I dare you. Gotham sees my dare and speaks Italian.

You can’t handle the truth!

So Gordon is a pussy and creates the Penguin? Can we kill something yet? No? OK, more exposition! And re-use of the word lackadaisical +3INT

Oswald begs like the opening of Millers Crossing. Another good movie I could be watching…

Stately Wayne Manner…

Hardcore Parkour!

Ah-ha-ha! Alfred said bloody ass.

WTF Gordon. WTF. I’m going to tell a 12 yo about police corruption- Oh, and stay silent about what I just told you, even though you wouldn’t have to stay silent if I hadn’t just told you and put all of MY problems onto your 12 yo shoulders. WTF Gotham?

OK- Catgirl doesn’t even wear the fucking goggles in the daytime! Why does she have them?

And it’s STILL NOT- oh Oswald cuts a bitch and it FINALLY OVER!!

(Whew! I don’t think I can do this again! Wow, that was grueling… I don’t know- if people out there really, really care- and I mean care enough to leave a fucking comment! I will recap Gotham weekly just like I have The Strain. Though this is completely devoid of The Strain’s utter joie de vivre I will do it.)

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