Ugh, wine swilling Lifetime demographic is back.
Ugh, I hate TV kids. Please get eaten, please get eaten, please-
Aw shit, bread truck to the rescue.
There is no way that hacker chick is that thin because she is eating ALL the time.
Beheading your ex-wife’s BF with a shovel while your shitty child actor looks on with only vague emotion.
Unhelpful cops are unhelpful in face of vampire apocalypse.
OK son, I’m shipping you off with an aged ninja and a crew of dubious people I JUST met. But mostly the ninja.
And pause for moral debate over the death of Samwise.
Poland ’44 flashback- Why are we digging in the middle of winter? Oh…
Say goodbye FASTER.
Awww, the friend who deserted you in the gas station deathtrap robbed you and fled? Shocker.
OMG, can a vampire please eat the shitty child actor?
Poland ’44 flashbacks are getting more random. Also creepy Nazi makes lots of weird assumptions…
Vampire interuptus. Or: Can we leave yet?
The pawn shop is NOT a smoking hole in the ground! Dementia addled mother is running pawn shop like a pro.
Welcome to my secret man cave- I mean-vampire hunting lair! It’s mostly just my basement…But it’s a secret basement!
We now burn What’s-his-face and eulogize Samwise. OR “Should we say something about-?” “Matt. No.”
Hacker comes clean- forget your conscience just fucking fix it bitch!
Poland ’44- Master Vampire has about 5 minutes for last minute snackies before the Allies show up, better make it count.
Prison transport of the damned. Dude! Your bro is going to eat your face! And the cop’s face and the other prisoner’s face!
Quick! We have time for sex! No really! There is a lull in the plot and we’re sad- drop your panties.
BACK to prison transport of the damned- Gus! (finally found out his name) has the good sense to run like hell a second time.
Stop asking questions kid, it triggers random flashbacks to Poland ’44.
Creepy Nazi has moment of regret. Or something akin to regret… it’s hard to tell.
Afterglow interrupted by the wine swilling Lifetime demographic.
Also- maybe NOT mention that you love your wife in front of the lady you just banged.
“Don’t forget your dagger”- just pry it out of my still beating heart.
Awkward conversation with Shitty Child Actor (which is totally this kid’s name from now on).
Master Vampire- “Why have you forsaken me?” (he really said this!!) Or– stop crying you Nazi bitch. (Also totally did not recognize him in his civvies- sadly I’m serious)
Note to self- don’t meet in wine cellars.
OMG, NINE episodes later we finally get to see the Master AND THIS WHAT WE GET?! WTF? He looks like a muppet?!?!?!?!
(I know this is so- so-so-so late! apologies! It’s been a hell of a week! Episode 10 will be up shortly!)